i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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