I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
