The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
