hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
