Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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