I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize