My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
