What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
