she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
