wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
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