Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
