i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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