I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
