someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
