I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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