i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You can't motorboat a personality
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
