i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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