I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I wear drunk well.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
