Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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