Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
