you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
