im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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