Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
