I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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