we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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