it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just want to make out with him forever
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
