My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
