Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
