I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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