Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
