had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
