I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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