I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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