There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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