i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize