Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
