Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
