Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
