I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
