Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
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