After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's shark week go big or go home
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Randomize