My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
