glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
