if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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