remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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