R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
