I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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