I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
