We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
