My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize