I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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