I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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