My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
