New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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