I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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