Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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