smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
