I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
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