She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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