That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
