my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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